Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
