im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
