the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize