Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We left the knife in your bed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
