wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
