i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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