We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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