my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
