Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
