people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I AM VODKA MAN
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
