Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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