Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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