We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
