Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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