Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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