if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
