I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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