I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
