i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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