I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize