dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
