I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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