the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
