NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
