Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Randomize
