i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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