Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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