I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
