I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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