I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
