I smell stomach acid.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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