I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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