I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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