o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
