I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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