i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
