thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
