he puts the penis in happiness.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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