Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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