I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
