with your own penis?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
