Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
