Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
