Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
