well I can't set my house on fire every night
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
