I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
