He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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