the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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