I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
