you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
