I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
