good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Text me some of your sweat
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
