Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
