I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
