I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
