On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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